Free parenting tips

Alicia and I just celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary. Of those 12 years, we have been parents for 10 of them and are having a hoot raising our four kids. So in honor of these 10 years, I want to share some of the wisdom I have gained as a parent and a father (which doesn't really make sense because a father is a parent) and give you my top three parenting tips.

Tip#1: Potty training
This one I didn't learn until #2 came along. The trick here is to help the child learn that peeing in pants is bad...peeing in toilet is good. Here's how it works:
1. Child wets pants.
2. Take child outside.
3. Make child take off clothes.
4. Wet kid down with hose. Continue for several minutes and make sure you don't let child get away. Hold the kid if you have to while hosing.
NOTE: In winter is not humane to hose off children. In colder months, take the child to a sink or bathtub and use the cold water faucet.

Tip#2: Moving from crib to big kid bed
Typically, kids have a hard time staying in a bed without bars. I liken it to someone who has been incarcerated in our public corrections facilities and then let free. They go crazy not knowing what to do with the freedom. Kids get out of bed, walk around, turn on the light, play with toys, sit at the end of the hallway and watch you eerily...all easily correctable behaviors.
This fix is one of my favorites. To pull this one off you need a megaphone (with voice changer if possible). Here are the steps:
1. Kiss the kid(s) goodnight like a nice daddy.
2. Wait by the door with the bedroom light on and tell them to close their eyes and go to sleep.
3. Turn off the light and close the door as soon as their eyes are closed. Quickly duck so they can't see you and silently crawl to the side of the bed.
4. As soon as the kid starts talking or getting out of bed, jump up with the megaphone and yell commands (i.e. no talking, get back in bed, daddy loves you more than mommy, etc.) Activating the voice changer here makes for greater effect.
5. Watch your kid scream in horror and fear.
Soon your child will be begging you not to hide and all you have to do is respond, "Ok, but stay in your bed like a good little princess."

Tip#3: Coloring on our bodies with pen/marker
It's natural for children to watch mommy put on makeup and then want to do the same to themselves. Unfortunately, this natural instinct that children have must be broken like Rocky did to the Russian guy in Rocky III. Kids will use whatever they can find to use as their "makeup"...pen, marker, makeup, mud, whatever.
Do this:
1. Buy the nastiest smelling soap imaginable.
2. Wash kid's face with nasty soap and get lots of lather to remove marks.
3. Be sure to "accidentally" slip your nasty soapy finger in the kid's mouth.
4. Child may scream.
***Bonus points if you can get some soap in the eyes.

As you can see, these are not your typical parenting tips you'll find in the latest issue of Parent or Family magazine. However, all of these tips have been applied in my home and most importantly they work. I'm always interested to hear your parenting ideas. Feel free to share in the comments.